Kakashi's Heart
by Surreptitious Chi X
Summary: Kakashi's secret grief since Minato's death is a subject he shares with no one. However, after the Konoha Invasion, in which he fights back to back with Gai, one person finally knows his heart.
1. Prologue

**Kakashi's Heart**

Prologue

* * *

Kakashi knelt by Minato's gravestone. A gentle, cooling breeze ruffled his hair, and the light shifted, dancing in and out of clouds moving rapidly across the sky. But there was no rain destined, no matter how much Kakashi might wish someone or something acknowledged his pain. He sighed, staring at the kanji for his mentor's name, carved bleakly on the stone in front of him. _Minato. _Minato's carefree smile flashed through his mind. He glanced up in spite of himself, looking at the stone monument towering over his village. Minato's enormous stone countenance stared over the top of his head.

When Naruto was young, he'd painted graffiti over the grim faces of their Hokage monument. In spite of his duty to uphold order, Kakashi had secretly approved of the disrespect. Secretly, he looked at the stone faces of Hokages gone with anger. Secretly, his stomach clenched when he looked at the artists' representation of his teacher, Minato-sensei, despising the one thing they had done to his teacher that no one should have been allowed to: take the smile from Minato's face. Minato had died smiling, and had been memorialized frowning – or at the best, Kakashi could convince himself it was an expression of serene stoicism. Nothing cut into Kakashi's heart worse than to look up and see Minato judging Konoha without a smile.

Kakashi snorted to himself and looked away, feeling unshed tears burn his eyes. He fastened his gaze to the gravestone, faceless and incorruptible. The kanji could not lie.

Then he braced himself and flashed over to Obito's gravestone, lest he be caught lingering somewhere else. Obito was his cover. People expected him here. People expected – judged – that he ought to feel guilty about surviving his team, guilty about the outcome of the mission.

His fellow shinobi had no way of knowing that Minato had taken him aside after the mission and tended to his grief. Minato had let him cry, let him confess his guilt, and then gently washed it all away with logic and sympathy. _We all learn things, sometimes, by tragedy. _Kakashi still remembered those words. Those words exactly. Minato had talked at length about his own life, about his past mistakes and painful lessons, and made Kakashi feel as though he were one part of a whole. Not alone. Shortly thereafter Minato had introduced him to Jiraiya, Minato's own sensei. To Kakashi's amazement, Jiraiya had taken him under his wing, instantly offering his support and guidance. Minato had given Kakashi a family.

Kakashi stared at Obito's gravestone numbly, not seeing it but rather all the times Minato had invited him over for dinner after their mission was over, how many times he had sat in that warm dining room, Kushina serving him dinner and mothering over him. His heart thudded with pain. At the dinner table, surrounded by Minato, Kushina, and often Jiraiya as well, he had finally been able to smile. Amongst the laughter and teasing of the close-knit group, Kakashi had found his own sense of humor.

One swift, brutal cut had sliced all that away. Tobi's attack on Konoha had taken it all: Kushina, Minato, Jiraiya. In horror and pain at the overwhelming tragedy, Jiraiya had run away, declaring that he couldn't stand to look at Konoha any longer. Kakashi hadn't the courage to abandon his village. Jiraiya would have taken him, would have allowed him to come along, but Kakashi had been crushed and terrified of the life of a missing nin, which he'd been convinced the people of Konoha would label him as, in spite of accompanying a Sannin. He'd begged Jiraiya to stay. Jiraiya had refused. Kakashi knew it was to save Jiraiya's own sanity that the Sannin left, but Jiraiya had torn out the rest of Kakashi's heart when he did.

_I have nothing. I am nothing. _

And somehow, Kakashi had to summon the cheer and stoicism to teach his students today. He touched the blue fabric over his nose and mouth. This situation was what masks were for. If he could keep pain out of his eyes, or at least not let people look too closely at him, he could get away with feeling this miserable.

He turned away from Obito's gravestone. _Late again, Kakashi_. His cultivated lateness would not get him in trouble. Everyone expected it by now. The habit covered the days when getting out of bed was too difficult, when he visited the grave of his mentor and couldn't bring himself to walk away. Better laziness than grief. People could understand a lazy ninja. Laziness was comic relief. A grief-stricken ninja? That people would not understand. Shinobi were always supposed to face forward, leaving the past behind. A ninja who dwells in the past is a liability, the saying went. If people had to think less of him, he'd rather they think it was something smaller, something like the death of a teammate in a situation where he was supposedly at fault. Anything to cover the grief of losing his mentor. People understood that kind of grief too well. It made them uncomfortable. Gave too much insight. A man carrying this kind of grief would eventually fall. The weight of losing a replacement father, a replacement family, was too much to bear.

_If I die in battle respectably, no one will ever know._ That was the most comforting option Kakashi could come up with.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

* * *

After a long day of listening to his students carrying on about how hard it was to repair damaged buildings, Kakashi wanted to drag himself to an adult location and hide. He picked a reliably quiet bar that had survived the failed invasion attempt and found a dim corner. He ordered ramen and sake and resolved to put as much distance between him and his bed at home as possible. Orochimaru's attempt to destroy Konoha had brought on nightmares Kakashi had suppressed from the attack that had taken Minato's life. The idea of history repeating itself made him so nauseous that when his ramen arrived, he could hardly eat it. After staring at the bowl of steaming broth and noodles, Kakashi glanced around and furtively pulled his mask down. He took a sip of hot broth, almost burning his tongue, and set the bowl back down quickly.

He'd hate for anyone to notice him now, so obviously miserable.

Kakashi almost fell out off of his seat at the sudden explosion of green, cheerful chakra. _Gai!_ He scrambled to pull his mask back up and barely had it in place in time.

Gai burst into the bar. "Kakashi!" He waved.

Kakashi weakly waved in response. "Yo."

Gai shot over to him and took the seat next to him. "My rival! What a coincidence to meet you here! This is my favorite locale after work is over."

"Ah…" Kakashi had no idea whether to believe Gai or not. Gai sometimes told the most outrageous stories just to cover up the fact that he'd followed Kakashi somewhere.

Gai threw an arm around him and squeezed. He waved to the man behind the counter of the bar. "I'll have what he's having!" Gai gave Kakashi a dazzling grin. "So, what are you having?"

"Um." Kakashi stared down at his food, having already forgotten. "Ramen…"

Gai laughed. "I can see that, Kakashi. I mean what flavor of ramen, my good rival."

"Beef." Kakashi guessed.

"Beef it is!" Gai squeezed him heartily.

"Ah…Gai…" Kakashi didn't know how to sort out his scrambled feelings. He didn't know if he wanted Gai to leave, or stay, if he wanted to be alone at all tonight, or if he wanted Gai to declare his sadness off limits and forcibly cheer him up.

"Yes, Kakashi?" Gai looked at him with the purest unsuspecting innocence.

Kakashi looked into Gai's eyes, as usual unable to detect whether or not Gai's innocence was a front. He suspected not. He glanced away. "Ah…"

The server set down Gai's bowl of ramen and cup of sake down in front of him.

"Excellent!" Gai gave the server a grin. "Thank you!" He immediately dug into his ramen. "Ne, Kakashi? What are you planning to do tonight?"

Kakashi wished he had Gai's healthy appetite. "Plans?" he murmured. _I don't have any._

Gai laughed. "Are you going to relax? Sit at home? Watch TV?"

"Unlikely." Kakashi stared down at his ramen. At the very least, he had to eat to fulfill his body's needs. He reluctantly pulled down his mask and started eating.

"Surely you won't go straight to sleep, Kakashi."

Kakashi almost choked on his noodles. Going to sleep was the last thing on his mind. He didn't know if he could. The last nightmare had been truly horrific. "O-Of course not."

"Why don't you stay with me?" Gai suggested.

Kakashi stared at him. "Stay with you?"

Gai smiled. "Yes. We could stay up and make a night of it. Shogi…Go…Whatever you wish to do, we can do it."

"Oh, I don't…" Kakashi stopped. In spite of his feeling that Gai couldn't possibly understand him, Gai had offered him companionship and an alternative to trying to sleep right away.

Gai grinned. "We can get drunk." He lifted his shot of sake and downed it. "Eh? How does that sound?" He sighed, the normal sound of appreciation after downing sake. "Everyone's been under stress lately. The rebuilding of Suna and Leaf's alliance, the repairs to the village, the death of Sandaime…"

"And Yondaime," Kakashi murmured before he could stop himself. _Let's not forget that. Hell started that day. It's been hell ever since._

Gai nodded. "Yes, indeed, the death of Yondaime Kazekage was a shock to us all."

Kakashi blinked. "Ah. Yes." In the haze of his depression, he'd forgotten entirely that Yondaime Kazekage had been killed. His reference to Minato in that way had unintentionally covered his meaning.

"Who do you suppose is going to take his place?" Gai asked.

Kakashi's thoughts wandered back to Minato uncontrollably. "No one." He downed his own shot of sake, defiantly pounding the liquor into himself even though he hated it. He erased the taste with a hearty sip of ramen broth. He almost threw up. _God. It's not fair. _

That thought signaled the bottom of his spiral. When his father had still been alive, Sakumo had taught him never to say 'It's not fair'. 'Life's not fair,' his father used to say. 'Get used to it. You'll be experiencing a lot of unfairness over the years.' When his father had killed himself, Kakashi knew the words were true. His father killing himself had not been fair. Not fair at all, after losing his mother three years earlier. Not fair, when he didn't have any other family. Not fair, when the grimness from such an event crippled his ability to make friends or connect with his teammates.

Kakashi poured himself more sake and had a second and third shot in rapid succession.

Gai looked at him with wide eyes. "Is this a contest? I didn't know you wanted to play a drinking game. What are the rules?"

Kakashi gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. The burning in his chest was almost unbearable. "No rules." His eyes abruptly stung. He rubbed his eyes with the knuckles of one hand, shaking his head, trying to shake off the tears prickling his eyes. "No rules at all." There were no rules to make life fair. No rules. No rules to prevent Minato from dying once Kakashi had been practically adopted by the man. No rules to keep Jiraiya from running away, no rules to keep Kushina from dying, no rules to keep him from being hated and despised by everyone, called cold-hearted, slandered for hardly ever taking on students. Called out and threatened for taking on Naruto, his mentor's son.

Gai laid a warm hand on his shoulder. Kakashi flinched, unable to hold in a sob. He choked on it. Gai wrapped his arms around Kakashi and hugged him tightly.

Kakashi found himself sobbing on Gai's chest. "It's not fair. It's not fair."

Gai rocked him gently. "Kakashi…Stay with me tonight."

Kakashi didn't have words to answer him with. When Gai kept holding him, even though all he could do was cry, Kakashi slowly put his arms around Gai in return. He couldn't remember the last time someone had actually hugged him. Kakashi automatically thought back. _No one since Kushina and Minato died. _That brutal realization didn't help him control his hysterical outburst.

"Kashi-kun." Gai's voice was gentle but firm.

Kakashi tensed in spite of the familiar address. _Now it comes. The judgment. The master of 'youthful feelings' himself will tell me it's too much, too humiliating to be seen with me while I act in this manner._

"Let me take care of you."

Kakashi's head snapped up. He looked at Gai in shock.

Gai raised a hand. "Oi. Put this on my tab." Without waiting for anyone in the bar to acknowledge him, he teleported himself and Kakashi out of the bar. Suddenly, they sat on a dark brown leather sofa in a serene living room, garnished with potted plants. Kakashi saw many varieties of fern and spider plants – all easy plants to take care of for a hardworking shinobi. Shinobi could not afford to have fancy, high-maintenance plants like flowers and bamboo in their houses. Such plants would die over the course of a long-range mission. Kakashi gazed across the room at the dining nook with a square table by the window. The shogi board was already set up. Gai's living room. Gai's dining nook. All was quiet and peaceful.

Kakashi knew that most people imagined Gai's house as a bright, fun, colorful place with training equipment scattered everywhere. The truth was, Gai's house was a counterpoint to his friend's high-energy life. Everyone's energy had to run out sometime, and Gai wanted a safe place to rest until he felt ready to show his youthful enthusiasm again.

Kakashi swallowed. He couldn't deny the soothing effect of this space, but he couldn't bring himself to let go of Gai yet.

Gai didn't let go, either. He cradled Kakashi against him. "Tell me what is wrong."

"Minato is dead. Everything is wrong." Blunt words exchanged like their consultation with each other during battle. Kakashi was in too much shock to be frightened that he'd shared his most personal pain. He looked at Gai steadily. "I can't sleep. I haven't slept properly in days. It is wearing me down, Hitteki. I don't know what to do." It was a rare thing for him to call Gai 'Hitteki' – the word meant 'rival' or 'equal'. If the word Hitteki came out, he was in dire straits. He'd only called Gai that two other times in his life: both during life or death situations in the middle of a mission.

_Rival. What a strange word. _

Gai had chosen it when their relationship first began. Close after they met, Gai had attempted to befriend him. Kakashi had refused. He'd been in a place of pain, unwilling to accept people into his life who might die and leave him alone again, more alone than he'd been before because their death would add another tragedy to the long line of tragedies he'd had to bear.

Gai had, in classic fashion, called him out on it. 'Why won't you be my friend?' he'd demanded.

'I don't have friends.' Kakashi had turned away. 'Friends die.'

Gai, pulling out the trademark grin that Kakashi had come to love, had pushed forward anyway. 'Then be my rival. One's rival always survives to make a comeback another day.'

So they'd been 'rivals' ever since.

Whenever Kakashi had grown worried about Gai's chance of survival, Gai joked, 'I'm your rival, remember? Rivals never die. I'll always come back to bother you.'

Kakashi swallowed. So far, Gai always had. He'd kept his word. He hadn't died.

"I'll tell you what to do," Gai said softly.

Kakashi listened, painfully hoping. Gai had a commanding manner, but Kakashi found himself drawn to it rather than angered. In times like these, he needed an order from someone who cared about him.

"Come live with me." Gai looked into his eyes.

Kakashi couldn't move.

Gai reached up and took his chin. "Don't be alone anymore."

Kakashi took in a shuddering breath and blinked away tears, glancing away. He could feel his entire body shaking, down to his hands. "Gai…"

"Kakashi." Gai's expression was serious and compassionate. "I mean it. I don't want you living by yourself anymore. All you do is stew and dwell on things until you don't move anymore. You're not living a healthy lifestyle. I want you to change all that."

Kakashi let out a sharp breath.

"I am going to move in with you if you do not agree to move in with me," Gai warned.

That bought him a smile. Kakashi couldn't help it. He knew Gai was serious. If he didn't pack his things and move in with Gai from now on, Gai would hound him until they were together, one way or the other. Once Gai decided something, he never changed his course of action. It was one of the many things Kakashi admired about him.

Kakashi never had to worry about feeling wanted. Gai could effortlessly challenge him and trail him everywhere he went without feeling the least bit self-conscious. Kakashi relaxed and buried his face against Gai's chest. "Okay. You win."

Gai kissed the top of his head. "It's not about winning."

This was as far as they'd ever gotten. Kakashi wondered if they would ever talk about their feelings for one another. Their real feelings. 'Rival' and 'Hitteki' did not cover it. Compassion and care did not cover it. A kiss to the top of the head…that was closer. Kakashi counted all of the trophies of physical affection he'd received. Gai had kissed him once on the wrist, once on the back of his hand…and now this kiss to the top of the head. Gai had carried him when he was chakra exhausted, and of course would continue to do so if he became exhausted again. They'd shared food, and drank from the same canteen on missions. They'd shared a blanket. Was all this adding up to something real? Kakashi wondered. Did all of this lead somewhere? Or was it going to stay at this level?

He didn't know what he wanted to happen. He supposed without a signal from him, Gai would go no further. That was another one of Gai's inherently good traits.

Gai stroked his back slowly. "You will stay with me tonight…and every other night. From now on, Hitteki, you live with me. You got that?"

"Yes," Kakashi mumbled.

If Gai continued to care about him this much, to care enough that even his crying could not deter Gai from touching him and respecting him, then he wouldn't mind living with Gai for the rest of his life.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

They lay in bed side by side. Gai only had one bed, and besides, Kakashi didn't mind. They'd shared tents before, when they'd been on the same mission. It made life easier. He was even comfortable with Gai wrapping an arm around him and hugging him, since he knew well Gai would make no unsolicited sexual advances. The closeness Gai offered was simple companionship, innocent friendship, until the moment Kakashi said otherwise.

Kakashi stared at the ceiling.

"Why can't you sleep?" Gai asked gently.

"The nightmares."

"Tell me about the nightmares."

A flash of Minato being struck by several kunai. Blood flew, his mentor's eyes wide with pain. Kakashi flinched. "I don't…"

"Talking about it will ease the pain," Gai said.

"How do you…know?" Every muscle in Kakashi's body was painfully tense.

"When I have nightmares, I tell them to someone, and they go away," Gai said. He looked at Kakashi.

Kakashi realized his mouth was dry. "Who? Who do you tell?"

Gai shrugged. "Sometimes I tell Lee. Sometimes I tell Sandaime – though not anymore, of course, since – and sometimes I tell Kurenai. Rarely." He studied Kakashi's face.

Kakashi could feel it coming.

"Sometimes I tell you," Gai said. His brow furrowed slightly. "You always make me feel better. Why don't you let me? Tell me and let me do the same. Let me make you feel better, Kakashi."

Kakashi sighed and looked away. "I…can't. They're pure foolishness. Fantasies. And not even good ones. These dreams have no meaning. The significance is purely the production of an upset mind –"

"Then listen," Gai said gently. "Listen to your mind. Be upset."

Kakashi clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut.

"You keep too many things inside, Hitteki." Gai touched Kakashi's chest. "Let them out. The things that scare you…they can't stay here." He rubbed the spot over Kakashi's heart. "They hurt you. It hurts you, the troubles staying in here. Let them go, so we can save you."

Kakashi didn't know what 'we' Gai was talking about. He sighed sharply. No one cared about him. No one but Gai. Naruto and Sakura called him 'Kaka-sensei', but they didn't see him as a person. The endearment was limited by their fundamental conception of him as a teacher. Not family. Sandaime had loved all his people, but now Sandaime was dead. Minato was dead. Kushina was dead. His father was dead. _I don't have a family. _The pain, at its core. _Gai can't help me build one. He doesn't have a family either. _A genin team didn't count. Genin didn't count. How could a genin or even a newly graduated chuunin understand a hardened jonin? It didn't happen. The age gap between generations, the generational experiences, were too different. No one but someone from his generation or earlier would understand the pain of graduating the academy at six years old, at being put to work almost immediately and being expected to be self-sufficient. Even after the failed invasion, his genin couldn't understand the brutality of war. War was not a battle. War stretched on over countless battles, threatening countless villages, threatening entire countries, skirmishes breaking out over and over again. The espionage, the lying, the suicide missions. The loss of life. The bitterness, on both sides of the war.

Of course, Minato had survived all that, only to be cut down after the war was over by some madman with a time-space ability to match Minato's.

"I took…a wound when Minato was killed." Kakashi stared steadily at the white ceiling. "An emotional one. I never…I didn't recover." He wasn't willing to say he would never recover. He wasn't willing to utter such a curse over his life. He wanted to be healed. He just had no hope. "Minato was my mentor. My sensei." He took a deep breath. "He was…He was my…" _Father. Oh, god_. Tears stung his eyes again.

Gai judged the emotional intensity of Kakashi's words and expression. His eyes widened. "Kakashi, you were young to have a lover. You must have an untold amount of youthful spirit."

"He wasn't my lover!" Kakashi snapped.

Gai was abashed. "Oh."

Kakashi sighed. "He was my father. Should have been."

"So when Minato-sama was killed…you lost your father." Gai looked at Kakashi with tears in his eyes.

"Twice," Kakashi said. His lips were numb. "First Sakumo, then Minato. They both…deserted me." He flinched at the betrayal in those words. "Minato didn't mean to. He didn't mean to. He didn't have a choice. He was defending the village…the same thing everyone else would have done. The same thing we were doing. Defending our home. Minato didn't desert me…"

"But it felt like it to you," Gai said gently.

Kakashi nodded, clenching his jaw.

"So when Sandaime died, it felt like desertion again. When the person you needed most didn't survive for you, didn't stay so you could be safe…you felt deserted," Gai said.

Kakashi curled up into a ball against Gai. "God, yes!" Pain ripped through him, burning.

Gai wrapped his arms around Kakashi, hugging Kakashi tightly.

Kakashi breathed raggedly, staving off a sob. "What do I do?"

"Let it out," Gai said gently. "Let it out, Kakashi."

"No! No!" Kakashi sobbed, his grief unleashed.

Gai held him and rubbed his back. "Did you cry when your father died?"

"No." Kakashi's chest heaved with the force of his tears, his stomach clenched so tightly he thought he might throw up.

"Did you cry when Minato died?"

"No."

"Then cry now."

"Oh, god." Kakashi buried his face against Gai's chest, weeping.

"You cried at the bar, but you didn't cry enough," Gai said. "You wouldn't let it out. Cry now, Kakashi. Cry until it is out."

Kakashi screamed and cried until his throat was raw. He gripped Gai's shirt as hard as he could. All the horror of all the nightmares, all the unspoken grief that had been crushing him, it all came down to this. He whimpered. "I've been abandoned. Abandoned…" He sobbed, sick.

"When your eye was taken from you, did you cry?" Gai asked softly.

Kakashi shook his head, sobbing too hard to speak.

"Cry for that now. Just because you had an eye replace it does not mean you did not lose your original eye, the eye that belonged to you."

Kakashi was overwhelmed. No one had understood that he had anything to grieve about. When he'd been injured and Obito had been killed, the most prevalent response was jealousy; he'd gained a piece of the famed Uchiha eye jutsu, acquired a kekkai genkai when he'd had none of his own. People had claimed him to be lucky. "Why?" His voice cracked and broke. "Why?" _Why can't anyone understand I wanted my eye back? I didn't want to be a freak. I said no! _

The only people who had known how hard he had fought not to have Obito's eye forced on him were now dead. Minato had been the last person who knew he'd argued against the transplant. He bore the scars of his wishes being overruled every day. When he looked in the mirror, all he could do was hate himself for how he looked now. One blue eye, and one red. A freak. He didn't cover the transplanted eye to preserve some sense of mystery or coolness. He covered the Uchiha eye to keep from throwing up. To keep from perpetually feeling mutilated, an experiment.

No one knew. Someone had to know. Someone had to know how he felt or he would go insane.

Kakashi clung to Gai desperately. "I said no." His breath hitched, and he ended up coughing. He raised his head to look into Gai's eyes. "I said no…Gai…I said no to the transplant. I said no."

Gai was stunned. "You said no, but the operation was still done? Your eye was gone, and they overwhelmed your decisions? Kakashi! That's terrible! Even if it were not practical to refuse, this is your body. No one can make you accept a transplant you don't want to do, simply to –"

A sob burst out of Kakashi at the well-meaning naiveté. He laid his head against Gai's chest. "They did. It was war. Rin…Rin said…she'd do it…and then…" He squeezed his eyes shut, but he was unable to stop the tears. "Oh, god. I screamed…"

Gai squeezed him tightly. "Dear God. No wonder you don't want to show that eye around the village. It means something horrible to you."

Kakashi managed a nod. "I only use it as a last resort, and still…it's the only thing I'm known for. I have the title Copy Nin, and it's not even my jutsu."

Gai was silent. Kakashi could feel the horror vibrating in Gai's chakra. "You're right," he said finally. "It is unfair. Kakashi…for no one to know you have a wind release…"

Kakashi nodded, gasping, trying to control himself. The hysterical, pulsing panic he'd felt was passing. Gai was right. As horrifying as he thought it would be to keep crying until he couldn't anymore, he felt a remarkable peace at coming to terms with his feelings. At sharing them. He couldn't carry the burden alone. He needed someone to carry his feelings with him. He needed Gai.

"To be famous for something you didn't want to have happen, to become renowned for an ability you came to possess because you were forced to undergo surgery you did not want…" Gai trailed off and kissed the top of his head.

Kakashi buried his face against Gai's chest and wrapped himself in the warmth of Gai's chakra, shivering. He couldn't imagine how he'd dealt with this pain alone. But then, he hadn't. He'd merely pushed it down repeatedly until he felt numb inside. He'd never allowed the pain to surface. And then when Sandaime died, it began surfacing on its own, forcing him to take notice with nightmares and sickness, redoubling depression on his head until he could hardly move.

He couldn't comprehend how he deserved to be held and protected, couldn't comprehend how Gai had stuck by him. But it was undeniable that when the Chuunin Exam had been interrupted by the invasion, Gai had fought back to back with him, helped him defend the unconscious crowd in the arena, and even bantered with him about body counts and scores to keep him from being worried. Since they met, Gai had always been there. No matter how unbearable he had become, Gai had always stuck by him anyway. Even when the rest of the village deemed him a cold, strange outcast, Gai had insisted on sparring with him and tagging along beside him. This had earned Gai a reputation for being strange as well, but instead of deterring Gai, it had only caused Gai to build an ever-stranger persona in order to laugh in everyone's faces. At this point, Kakashi couldn't take Gai anywhere without his 'rival' causing a scene. And even though he'd never voiced his amusement, he had a feeling Gai knew he'd been entertained anyway.

Really, there was no one as loyal and special as Gai. Kakashi raised his head and looked at Gai with new eyes.

Gai smiled at him.

Kakashi's eyes widened. He glanced away in spite of himself, feeling heat on his cheeks. Had Gai stuck by him all these years, insisting on protecting him and cheering him up, challenging him and making him get up even when he'd wanted to collapse into himself, had Gai done all these things because…?

"Have you figured it out now?" Gai asked.

Kakashi refused to meet his eyes and remained silent. It belatedly occurred to him that if there had been one final test, it had been whether Gai could withstand his un-shinobi-like tears, his outpouring of weakness. Unintentionally, he had set Gai up. And Gai had passed with flying colors.

He closed his eyes at the feeling of Gai's warm fingers touching his cheek.

"I love you," Gai said.

Kakashi felt the heat on his face intensify. He was bemused, utterly incapable of speaking.

"Don't you see?" Gai asked. "I want to live with you forever. I want to be your…your protector. Kakashi…"

Kakashi swallowed. He couldn't begin to describe his response to that declaration. Heat coursed through his body, burning. "Ah…"

Gai stroked his rabbit-soft silver hair. "I'm not going anywhere, Kashi. I'm staying right here."

Kakashi melted against him, filled with a sense of altered time. This was surreal. Being offered protection…he couldn't absorb it. It seemed too good to be real. Too much of what he wanted to ever come true. "Gai…"

Gai tucked Kakashi's head under his chin and cradled Kakashi to him. He held Kakashi in silence, pressing gentle kisses to the top of Kakashi's head.

"Am I really allowed?" Kakashi hadn't meant to speak out loud.

"I am," Gai said. "And I am going to give you everything you ask for."

"Oh, god." Kakashi pressed himself against Gai, wrapping his arms around Gai's waist and holding on tightly. "Don't leave."

Gai stroked his back. "I'm not."


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Naruto looked up at him suspiciously. "You seem different today, Kaka-sensei."

Kakashi looked away and studied a slow-floating cloud in the sky. "Ah…In what way?"

Naruto squinted. "I dunno…you seem…kind of…" He gestured helplessly at the diffuse cloud of Kakashi's chakra. It was a blue mist looking aura. Most people either had blue or green chakra. When they had some other kind of chakra, it was strange. People could tell when he drew on the Kyuubi because the Kyuubi's chakra was red – way different than his. His chakra was green.

"Keep your head down, Naruto," Kakashi said, affecting a bored tone. He smiled to himself under his mask.

Naruto sighed. "Why do we have to do this, anyway?"

"You really have to ask?" Kakashi glanced down at the ground pointedly.

They were all standing halfway up a three story building, sticking out sideways from the wall.

"The villagers would need complicated scaffolding to get up here, and it would be dangerous for them," Kakashi said. "For shinobi it is simple. Now concentrate on your task."

"Hai, hai…" Naruto applied himself to hammering a new board over the broken section of wall and promptly hit his own thumb instead of the nail. He flinched. "Itai!"

Sasuke glanced over, unamused. "You call yourself a ninja?"

Naruto glared at his teammate. "I'm keeping up with you, aren't I?"

Sasuke snorted and glanced at Naruto's trail of crooked boards. "For what it's worth." He muttered under his breath, "Not much."

"What was that?" Naruto shook his fist, his chakra blazing.

The paths the different students left through the destruction were obvious. All of Naruto's boards were crooked and had unevenly spaced nails hammered in at all different angles. Sasuke left an efficient path of new, straight wood with uniform nails hammered in flat. A beautiful job. Lagging behind was Sakura, who was slow and finicky, trying to mimic Sasuke's orderly patch-ups. She turned out good work for the effort, but was much slower than the rest of her team.

Kakashi had the luxury of standing over his students looking bored because he had already fixed the roof. He'd used the precise accuracy and power of his wind release to re-tile the roof of the hotel after spreading the mortar. As the teacher, he'd assigned himself the most difficult job.

"Oi, oi. Calm down." Kakashi stared down both of his students. "You can't afford to bicker. We have seven more buildings to repair before the sun goes down."

"Seven?" Naruto protested.

Sasuke went back to work, calmly smirking.

Several feet below them, Sakura panted with the effort of driving her nails in straight. "I'm okay," she called. "I doing fine down here…"

Kakashi turned and smiled at her. "Ne, I can see that, Sakura-chan. Keep up the good work."

Sakura was heartened by the praise.

"What about me?" Naruto protested.

Kakashi looked at him sternly. "You are racing." He pointed to Naruto's latest crooked nail. "You should be focusing on quality instead of speed. Let every person go according to their level of speed according to the quality of their work. You have no business challenging Sasuke to these foolish games. This is serious business. Konoha needs restoring after Orochimaru's attack."

Naruto made a face. "I know…" He eyed his handiwork and tools with dislike. "I wish we could do something exciting. We are ninja. We should be doing something more exciting and ninja-like than repairing these buildings."

"This is our home," Kakashi said. "Love your home, and respect it. Take care of it. Don't let Konoha fall to ruin because of your pride."

"What are you doing while we're doing all this work?" Naruto pouted. He hammered in a nail more carefully, distrustfully watching the head of his hammer. He didn't want to smash a finger again.

"Supervising," Kakashi said cheerfully. "My work on this building is already done."

"Hai." Naruto sighed.

"I have to keep you all in line." Kakashi grinned. The lines around his eyes made the expression unmistakable. "Especially you."

Naruto stuck his tongue out at his sensei.

Kakashi took out his book from his pocket and started reading where he left off.

"I still think there's something different about Kaka-sensei," Naruto muttered to Sasuke, assuming Kakashi had tuned out.

"That is none of your business, Naruto," Kakashi said blandly. "Focus on your work."

Naruto flinched. "Hai." He hated to be caught out talking when he was supposed to be working. Still, the change in Kakashi was driving him crazy. He could feel that Kakashi was different somehow. But he'd never felt Kakashi's chakra feel any other way than when he'd first been assigned to Kakashi's team. This was the first time Kakashi's chakra had been uncharacteristic. It wasn't a negative change. He wasn't worried. But at the same time, he'd give anything to know what had caused his teacher's chakra to feel different.

Since he'd known Kaka-sensei, his teacher's chakra had been kind of…still and lifeless. Unreadable, really. He'd heard that Kakashi was from ANBU, and for a while he thought that was the explanation for his teacher's chakra, but it had creeped him out. Most of the time, Kakashi was a nice enough guy, but that odd, stiff chakra had always thrown him off.

Kakashi's chakra felt like a softly shifting mist today. It was a loose, carefree cloud around his teacher's body.

"Ne, Kaka-sensei," Naruto said suddenly.

"Mm?" Kakashi glanced up from his book.

"Are you happy today?"

Kakashi paused, taking in Naruto's confusion and curiosity. He nodded, then looked down at his book with a bemused smile. "Yes. Indeed, I am."

"Oh…" Naruto studied him for a moment. "Are you happier than you were yesterday?"

Kakashi glanced at his student and raised an eyebrow. "Hai…"

Naruto lit up with understanding. "Ah! Then you were sad yesterday!" He laughed, proud of himself. "That's what it is! You were sad."

Kakashi, taken off guard, almost dropped his book. "Ah…"

Naruto pointed at him. "You're sad a lot, Kaka-sensei."

Kakashi, flustered, almost put his book away. At the last moment, he thought better of it and raised his book up to hide his face. "I don't know –"

Naruto grinned. "But you're happy now. It's okay!"

Kakashi blushed red. He used his book as a shield to hide the fact. Naruto reminded him of Gai at moments like this. Oblivious but somehow piercingly perceptive, in an unexpected way. And always blunt about his observations. "Ah…Hai."

"How come?" Naruto asked.

"I…" Kakashi knew he had to tread carefully, or he'd end up being grilled by Naruto for the rest of the day. Naruto's curiosity never rested – one reason why Naruto came up from behind and became a respectably powerful genin in the end. Once Naruto decided to learn something, he would never rest. This almost alarming quality could eventually qualify Naruto for ANBU service…if Naruto ever got over this clumsy, bull-headed stage where he solved everything by sheer determination.

Kakashi sweated as he realized the easiest solution was to tell part of the truth.

Sasuke looked up at him in curiosity, his long pause finally drawing Sasuke's attention.

Kakashi turned to the next page in his book, pretending as though he were reading. "I decided to move in with Gai."

Naruto almost fell off the side of the building. "Huh?"

Sasuke furrowed his brow. "Gai-sensei?"

"Why would you wanna do a thing like that?" Naruto stared at him. "That made you happy?"

"Ah…well…" Kakashi lowered his book fractionally and gave Naruto his best mild smile. "Yes."

Naruto looked bewildered and horrified. "But he's…strange." He shuddered.

Kakashi laughed. "You're strange, too." He glanced up from his book. "I still like you."

Naruto frowned thoughtfully. "Yeah…but…" His mind was made up. "Gai-sensei is stranger."

Kakashi smiled at Naruto ruefully. "You have me there."

Naruto gave him a suspicious glance. "So you like strange people."

"Yes," Kakashi agreed. He turned another page. "Besides, we're all strange in our own ways."

"Gai-sensei is strange in his own way," Naruto agreed.

"As long as it makes you happy," Sasuke said diplomatically.

"Thank you, Sasuke." Things were always simpler to explain to Sasuke than Naruto.

"Ne, Kaka-sensei…" Naruto studied him.

Kakashi hid his face again. He'd hoped the inquest would be over, but apparently Naruto still had questions. "Hmm?"

"Why were you unhappy before?" Naruto asked.

"That's a little personal, don't you think?" Kakashi asked in his best casual voice.

"Well…Yeah…But we're friends, aren't we?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi inwardly flinched. Naruto couldn't have stabbed his soft spot harder if he'd tried. "Ah…" He lowered his book and put it away in his pocket, resigned. "You see…I was subject to much unhappiness."

"Oh…" Naruto pounded nails into the board he was working on carefully and then looked up at his sensei. "Like…what kind of stuff?"

Kakashi knew Naruto wasn't exactly clueless on the subject of unhappiness, no matter how much Naruto hid behind brash laughter and aggressive optimism. "Loneliness," he said simply. He knew that was a subject that all of his students would be able to understand. Naruto, who'd been deemed an outcast for becoming Kyuubi's vessel at birth. Sasuke, whose family had been slaughtered. Sakura, whose family was civilian and didn't understand the kind of atrocities and danger that she faced in the course of an everyday mission.

"You've got us, don't you?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi sighed. "Indeed."

"He means adult company." Sasuke shot Naruto a glare. "Baka. We're just kids to him."

Kakashi held up his hands hastily. "I find you all quite capable adults. Graduation from the academy is the same thing as adulthood in the shinobi world."

Naruto squinted at his teacher, screwing up his expression. "Ne, does that mean you were considered an adult at six years old, Kaka-sensei?"

"I was."

"That's a little young even for you, don't you think?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi looked away. "Hmm."

Sakura yelled up at them, waving her hammer. "Naruto! You lay off of Kaka-sensei or I'll put this hammer through your skull! Get back to work already!"

Naruto cringed. "Sakura…don't…"

Kakashi was embarrassed that Sakura, as the person with the best sensory abilities in the group, had read his discomfort off his chakra. "Ah…violence is not necessary."

"Hmph." Sakura scowled at Naruto. "It's none of our business. We don't have the right to pry into Kaka-sensei's life. He's our sensei. Show him a little respect."

"I'm fine," Kakashi said, though he suspected any argument with Sakura was futile, no matter who was doing the talking. Sometimes he suspected that Sakura had turned out largely the way she had because she was the lone female on a team with two boys, and a laidback sensei. She felt the need to discipline because Kakashi likely wouldn't. He wondered sometimes if he'd been wrong to treat his students' everyday problems so carelessly.

Then he realized he'd never had the energy. His severe depression had impacted his teaching. He inwardly flinched as a needle of pain shot through his heart. _I failed them. My students. I failed all of them._ _Why didn't I get help? Why was I so proud?_

But it hadn't been pride; he'd simply thought himself beyond help. He had no way of knowing that Gai would prove him wrong, that this day would come, when he felt lighter and better than he ever had before. Today, he could see why someone could be content to sit down and watch the clouds move across the sky, to sit and simply be content at the sun filtering through the trees, the breeze blowing across the field.

With the clarity that came from the muffling curtain of depression drawing back, he saw his mistakes. Kakashi wondered how his students had ever become as attached to him as they were now. _How could they claim to care about someone like me? How can Naruto say 'We are friends, aren't we?' How can Sasuke wish me well? How can Sakura find it in her heart to defend me when she senses me become uncomfortable? What have I ever done to pay back their feelings except ignore them and turn my back on their suffering when they need me the most? How can I be 'Kaka-sensei'?_

Sasuke looked at him sharply.

Naruto pointed at him weakly, looking worried. "Kaka-sensei…Your chakra froze up again. What does it mean? Are you angry now?"

Kakashi bit back the pain as best he could. He looked at Naruto with a level expression. "No, Naruto. I'm not mad."

"You must be sad, then." Naruto watched him with wide eyes.

Kakashi couldn't answer. He couldn't find his voice. _I want connections. I do. I'm not cold-hearted, really. I'm just confused. _He thought of Gai. Gai believed in him. Gai didn't see him as cold-hearted. He swallowed and forced himself to nod. "Yes."

Sasuke and Sakura froze.

Kakashi found all of his students gathered around him. He hardly knew what to do with the attention.

"We…We're all sad because Sandaime died," Sakura offered.

Kakashi shook his head. "N…No. It's not that." He withdrew to a place of numbness so that he could close off the pain and communicate. It was no good being silent. "I am saddened by the fact that I have failed you. Naruto. Sakura. Sasuke." He looked at them each in turn. "I am not a good sensei."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto protested. "You're the best sensei!" He clenched his fists around his hammer and bucket of nails. "I never want to have another sensei! You rock!"

Sasuke looked troubled. "Kakashi…"

"Kaka-sensei…" Sakura looked torn up by his declaration. "How have you failed us?"

Kakashi looked away, looking out across the rooftops of their village, watching the clouds drift lazily across the blue sky. He caught sight of the stone monument, with the expressionless faces of their past Hokages. He could barely recognize the unsmiling visage of the Third, and the depiction of his old sensei caused no jar of recognition at all inside of him. "I have been cold. As cold as those stone faces." He nodded to the monument. "If my sensei had been as cold as I have been to you, I would not have loved him."

"Cold?" Naruto's brow furrowed.

"You were as hard as you had to be," Sakura said. "Sensei are supposed to be hard on their students. We are shinobi…"

Kakashi shook his head, refusing to look at her. "No. A sensei is not required to be cold. Not hard. Minato was never either of those things to me. He was like a father. He took care of me. He cared." His eyes stung. "I have not been a good sensei. Minato would be disappointed in me if he could see me today. If he could see what I have done, he would say, 'You are no student of mine. I did not raise you. What did you do that for? Why have you neglected these children? Are you hard-hearted? What is wrong with you?'"

"Sounds like a pretty harsh assessment from a man you characterized as never being hard on you," Sasuke said. He stared at Kakashi. "Which is it? Was he hard or soft? Because if he is as you say, he would never say that to you."

Kakashi's gaze snapped to Sasuke, stunned. He looked at his student with wide eyes. "No?"

"That's not love," Sasuke said. "You say he loved you. Love doesn't sound like that."

Kakashi stared at Sasuke in silence for a few moments. Finally, he found his voice. "What does love sound like?"

Sasuke looked directly into his eyes. "Regret. In this case, at least."

Kakashi flinched in shock. He couldn't speak. He was too busy registering how close he was to crying.

His students dropped their hammers and buckets of nails and hugged him.

Kakashi mutely took in their care. _What did I do to deserve this?_ Their chakras blazed around him, protective and fiercely loyal. He reluctantly felt their warmth piercing his misery. He glanced over his shoulder at the ground. "Who's going to pick up all those nails? And the pails are dented, too."

Sasuke smirked. "It should be a simple job…for shinobi."

"Ah. Right." Kakashi smiled at his students ruefully. _I guess they do care about me, after all. _Gai had tried to tell him as much. He put his arms around his students, pulling all three of them to him, and looked out across the village at the stone monument. _Minato, would you really forgive me?_

The whisper came unbidden to his mind: _I would. _

He smiled bemusedly at his overactive imagination. Still, he had to admit that the words eased the pain in his heart. _I will carry on for you. Minato…Watch over me and my students_. _Will you? Please? I still need you. _

Wind ruffling his hair was all he got in response. Kakashi somehow felt that might be enough.


End file.
